I think every mum pregnant with her second baby worries how she can possibly love another child as much as the one she already has.
The love you feel for your children is like no other. It can bring tears to your eyes and make your heart physically hurt.
It’s hard to know just how strong it is until after you have given birth which is why you question whether it is possible to feel it all again.
But it is.
From the moment Tiger was placed in my arms I felt it. That overwhelming, protective love, like you would give your life for them in a moment.
It felt EXACTLY the same as when Cherry was placed in my arms.
No more, no less, just the same.
Then it started to grow.
I forgot how it does that.
When you feel that initial love for your baby you don’t think it is possible for it to get any stronger, but it does. Every time they do something new it’s like an explosion goes off in your heart and a fresh burst of love shoots through your body.
This week I realised something that has made me feel guilty.
Before Tiger was born, every night before bed I would really focus on my love for Cherry. I didn’t do it on purpose, it was always just when my mind would really focus on how much I loved her but this week I realised that for the last few months I haven’t been.
I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself and that the only reason I haven’t been doing it is because I have been busy all evening looking after Tiger and going to bed exhausted without thinking about anything, but then I feel bad because while he is sitting downstairs with me all evening I am actively feeling that love for him.
Which kind of means I am focusing more on him that I am on her. Does this make sense?!
I think it’s worse because Cherry has been going through a fairly difficult terrible twos stage lately and a lot of our time in the day hasn’t exactly been as enjoyable as it can be.
Of course none of this has meant I love her any less but I guess whereas with babies all you really do is focus on the love you feel for them, with toddlers you end up feeling a lot of other emotions on top of the love you feel for them.
The love I feel for them is exactly the same but I don’t think I have been balancing it very well.
Babies take up so much of your energy for those first few months and because Tiger was feeding a lot I didn’t get to sit and cuddle Cherry nearly as much as I was before he was born.
I did everything I could with the time and energy I had to include her but I do feel like it maybe wasn’t enough.
There is no point dwelling on the past though, the good thing is that I have realised, or in fact I didn’t actually realise, I just started giving her more of my time and energy without actually trying to.
I’ve been grabbing her for big spontaneous cuddles, randomly telling her I love her lots and lots and making sure I look her in the eyes when I say it.
Giving two children your love and attention is a bit of a balancing act but I think we are getting there.
And now when I go to bed I spend a little bit of time focusing on the overwhelming love that I feel for them both.
Four months into live with two children and I have found a way to balance my love.