No matter what I do this week I can’t seem to get away from worrying about death. It started after talking to my dad about a programme he watched where you can go and pay a clinic in Switzerland ten grand for them to assist your suicide, then I made the mistake of watching baby hospital which is what really affected me. It made me absolutely terrified at the thought of something happening to Iyla and how awful it would be, I don’t even know how you get over something like that.
After spending two days in a state of pure fear, fortunately the more rational part of my brain kicked in and reminded me that there is no point worrying about something until it happens. So although I am not worrying anymore I still can’t seem to stop thinking about death. I know this is a bit of a morbid thing to write about but one of the reasons I keep this blog is because it helps me to get everything out of my head so here goes….
What is death all about?
What happens when we die?
This is the big question that everyone wants to know yet no-one is ever going to be able to find out (until its too late). I personally like to think that we are just here on a holiday and that when we die we go back to our real home and then from there we go on other holidays to different places in the universe. The reason I like to think this is because the idea of us just dying and that being that seems so incredibly pointless, we can’t just all die and then there be nothing, if there is nothing then what is there?!
It doesn’t make any sense.
Moving on from death, another thing I think about is how puzzling the universe is. I spent many hours thinking about it as a child, I just couldn’t grasp the fact that it doesn’t end, there must be an end, it can’t just go on forever, but apparently it does. It’s all just so strange. We are born and we die, it happens to everyone, we don’t always know how or when but we know its a certainty.
Before having Iyla I didn’t feel like I always made the most of life, I spent a lot of time watching telly or other equally exciting things, but becoming a mum has changed that. Seeing how quickly she is growing up has really made me learn to appreciate every moment and I have a 24/7 role to fill now too which helps. I am Iyla’s mum. It is down to me to put her first and make sure she always feels safe, happy and loved. It is a big responsibility but such a rewarding and enjoyable one. Since she was born I have felt overwhelmed by just how much I love her, when I watch her doing certain things it literally melts my heart and brings tears to my eyes. I feel so protective towards her and want to stop her from ever feeling hurt or upset but I know that’s impossible especially once she starts getting involved with grotty little teenage boys. Although if Dad2BabyInsomniac has his way then that won’t be until she’s 28 so I guess I can relax, for now.
So I have kind of gone all over the place with this but what I am trying to get out is that having a baby gives you so much more to worry about but it is totally worth it because it also gives you so much more to enjoy.
And if anyone has the answers to my death and universe questions then feel free to leave a comment below!