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My Toilet

by Jessica Amey

Me and my toilet have got to know each other a whole lot better over the last few months. I only ever used to sit on it but now I regularly have my head stuck down it.

Being sick is vile. It has got to me one of the most unpleasant experiences in the world, after going for a number two with private parts full of stitches that is.

I was a fairly pukey child, I always caught stomach bugs when we were on holiday. I was sick in hire cars, on aeroplanes, on ferries, on boats and once I was sick all over the floor of a very cramped gondola taking us up into the mountains, I didn’t do much ski-ing after that incident.

I was also a fairly pukey teenager, mainly because I used to be sick about 75% of the time I used to drink and I used to drink every weekend. I was sick in my bed, on my carpet, out of Mr C’s bedroom window, in his van, in clubs and in alley ways but the thing about being sick when you’re drunk is that you aren’t really aware of it, nor do you remember it so it’s not so bad.

Before this pregnancy, I hadn’t been sick for nearly three years, I felt really nauseous when I was pregnant with Cherry but I never actually threw up. This time has been different though.

I have been sick enough over the last few weeks to not actually mind it that much. I have learnt to never drink orange juice before being sick as it burns your throat. I learnt to chew my food more carefully as puking up big lumps of toast feels like you’re choking. I thought being sick so often was as bad as it could get but yesterday I was introduced to a new kind of puking. The kind of puking that comes when you have a stomach bug and it is awful.

It is so much more persistent and violent and makes you feel so much more ill. It does differ from morning sickness puking in that you feel better afterwards but it only lasts for about ten minutes until you start contemplating running to the toilet again. I spent all last night puking, it felt like my stomach was on fire and needed to expel its contents urgently. I nearly cried I felt so ill, I couldn’t even keep down water. It was the worst night of my life, I woke up every 30 mins in a sweaty disturbed sleep thinking that my head was a pink statue (?!) until it was finally morning. I then spend the entire day in bed sleeping and trying not to think about food.

I’m quite glad I caught this bug though because I will never moan about morning sickness again. It’s practically enjoyable compared to having a stomach bug.

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